If you’re in any sort of long term relationship, chances are it will have its ups and downs. Living with another person often means times when you disagree with each other, get into fights, or hurt each others’ feelings. While this is a normal part of life, it doesn’t do a lot to make you feel loved.

If you’re hoping to get more out of your relationship, here are a few tips to feel more loved, and also show your love better, to your partner.

Balance your criticism with affirmations

There are times when you have to ask your partner not to do something, or to be negative towards them in other ways. We often greatly skew how often we critique with how often we build them up. It actually takes about 20 positive statements to balance out a single negative thing.

The best way to achieve this balance is to limit negative comments (even simply saying “Hmph!” to something they said) and add more affirmations in. The better you are at this, the better your relationship will be—and the more likely they’ll be to respond in kind.

Touch your partner more

Touching is one of the most important ways people communicate, but it’s often more curbed than it should be. Give your spouse a massage, kiss them goodbye, or even simply touch their hand while you’re watching TV. The more you touch, the more connected you and your spouse will feel.

If you and your spouse are both busy, penciling in time for sex can also help your relationship—even if you’re literally making an appointment and putting it in your calendar. Between kids and careers, time for sex can often fall to the wayside. Planning for it may not feel sexy, but it can really benefit the relationship.

Make yourself happier

Something we don’t often think about when trying to achieve a better relationship is our happiness outside of love itself. In order to bring your best to the relationship, you need to be happy in general.

If you aren’t happy for other reasons besides your spouse, you may end up taking this out on them. Stress from work, dealing with unruly children, and other problems can all cause you to redirect your frustrations on to your spouse instead.

An easy fix is self care. Treat yourself well, and your relationship will improve.

Listen

A surprising number of problems can be resolved by simply listening. Listening isn’t simply being quiet until it is your turn to respond, but actually paying attention to what that person is saying. Even if you disagree, taking the time to listen can make a big difference on how they feel.

Sometimes, this is all your spouse needs in order to feel loved. 

Chances are, you’re not going to see eye to eye with your spouse about everything in your life. When these times happen, falling back both on the investments you’ve made into the relationship, and on skills like listening, can really make a difference.