When adoption isn't right for you

Adoption is a wonderful way to bring families together. It can provide a home for a child in foster care, and help you fulfill your dreams of having a family even when you are not otherwise able to. Sometimes however, adoption is not the right answer. 

If you're infertile, adoption has probably been the solution of choice thrown at you by well meaning friends and family. It's clear you can't have a family on your own, and it's clear that you want a family, so why not adopt a child?

The truth is, infertility is more complicated than that. The grief of losing a child that never happened can be just as bad as the grief of losing a real baby. Coming to terms with the fact that you will never be pregnant, never feel a baby move in you, never give birth, or breast feed, can be traumatic. 

Adoption isn't a cure for infertility, and the process can actually be very difficult. It can cost as much as $40,000 to adopt a baby, money you may have already spent on fertility treatments. Although foster to adopt is available, that means risking the parents suddenly wanting the child back after you've already become attached to them. If you've gone through several miscarriages or not been able to conceive, having a new family yanked from underneath you can be too much to bear.

There's also the issue of whether the adoption is simply a band-aid rather than a real solution. Many adoptees feel like their adopted parents care less about them than they would about a “real” child. Why do you want to adopt a child? Are you hoping to just partially fill a void, or do you think that an adoptive child can be “your” child in every possible way?

This isn't to say that adoption isn't a good idea, but that it needs careful consideration. When you open your home to an adopted child, you should open your heart as well. If you can't do that, if you're just offering shelter and food, adoption isn't right for you.

If you are worried that adoption is a band-aid solution, but you also want to give it a try, pre-adoption counseling is a good place to start. You can talk through your feelings with a counselor, and help separate your wants and dreams with reality.

If adoption isn't the right choice for you, they can help you see that clearly. If adoption is the right choice and you are simply worrying you won't be good enough, or other healthy parental worries, they can also help you see that adoption is a good choice.

Adoption isn't for everyone, and if you realize that it isn't the right choice, that's okay. It's better not to adopt a child if you aren't 100% on board with it. It's okay to simply grieve for the family you can't have, and to move forward knowing that you are making the best choice for yourself, your loved ones, and yes even the child you chose not to adopt. It's okay if adoption isn't an option for you.